


Overthinking

by charmainders



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Cuddling & Snuggling, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Insecurity, M/M, Mentioned Azumane Asahi, Mentioned Kageyama Tobio, Mentioned Nishinoya Yuu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:20:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27331822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmainders/pseuds/charmainders
Summary: Of course, that didn’t stop him from becoming a moral support system for others in the team. If he didn’t want to confront his own struggles or insecurities, he might as well use that energy to help others feel better, right? So he promised himself that if he could help the others, he would take a step forward to aid them even if he couldn’t go far with it. As long as they were helped, he would do it, even if at the expense of his own mental health. He was happy to be there.
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	Overthinking

**Author's Note:**

> > Why is it that all of the insecurities he has, it’s _this_ one that keeps him up?
>> 
>> haikyuu angst week, day two tier two: insecurities.
> 
> Trigger warnings in place for: negative mindset and thoughts, poor mental health and self-esteem. 

Suga may be confident and outspoken about how the team can improve, but he held a lot of things back from anyone else because he didn’t know how to express any of them.

He preferred the other way - locking it with a lock and key in his heart, down somewhere in that nobody could dig up, ever. It was easier to pretend like he didn’t have anything to worry about, with that cheery smile on his cheeks that brightened up the room and the confidence he had to yell on the court when he played as vice-captain and pinch server. Of course, Suga knew it would eventually come back to bite, but he didn’t want to think about it, now, and he would rather just swallow it down.

Of course, that didn’t stop him from becoming a moral support system for others in the team. If he didn’t want to confront his own struggles or insecurities, he might as well use that energy to help others feel better, right? So he promised himself that if he could help the others, he would take a step forward to aid them even if he couldn’t go far with it. As long as they were helped, he would do it, even if at the expense of his own mental health. He was happy to be there.

* * *

It began in first year.

When the team was on the decline and everyone seemed demotivated to do anything after losing at the prefecture games, Suga took one good glance at all of them, sulking, defeated and upset. Determined to not have their spirits taken down or further dampened, he spent night after night researching how to do drills in volleyball without an official coach to help them. If nobody could help, then Suga would take it into his own hands. 

Daichi and Asahi would often ask what Suga was so busy with at lunch, writing on his paper about something as he researched on his phone. Positions, attack and defence strategies, how to improve their slides, and how to spike more efficiently. Suga was determined to help everyone on their feet again, and when he finally did, he presented it all - proud as he showed off the research he had done. It had been written in his best handwriting, even if he wasn’t so sure about some, he could iron out the kinks with the team and adapt accordingly.

They trained tirelessly, and even if things didn’t work out, Suga was happy he at least tried before giving up. But deep down, he knew that his effort would mean nothing if they couldn’t win one day. What was the use of putting in so much effort and not being able to strive for the most out of it? Really, Suga _shouldn’t_ have given this much effort to just an after school club, something that he would have to let go. But he steadily found peace, loving the thrill. He wanted to at least make it to nationals, he really did, but the worry of not being able to make it by the time they graduated still sat warm inside his stomach, uncomfortable sometimes. He didn’t voice it, not a single time, just deep in him, locked away as just a devil voice in his mind. He tried not to show any of it, promising day after day to try.

He just wanted to be worth something to the team. He really did.

* * *

He _never_ wanted to watch his friends fight.

After watching Asahi walk out and seeing Nishinoya’s defeated expression as his shoulders slouched, Suga knew this was the end of the road, at least for a small group of them. Losing the games was already a painful reality in itself, but it stung even more that Asahi had put the blame on himself when it was all of them that needed to step back to reevaluate where their strategy had gone wrong in trying to go against Date Tech that afternoon.

As he held the broken mop in his hands, he stared at it like he was staring at the most precious jewel in the deep seas. News about Nishinoya’s one-month suspension from the club swirled in his mind as he kneeled down on the hard floor. The broken mop sat in two pieces, a painful reminder of the fight that night following their loss.

“Suga! We’re closing the gym soon! We just need to close up the club room!”

“Get my bag for me!” he yells back to the rest, earning an okay before the footsteps become quieter. He kneels and picks up the broom, looking at the broken edges, feeling his tears form at the corners of his eyes. He loved this team, more than anyone, and seeing the team fight this much had only wrecked his already fragile heart more than he realized. 

The tears that came after were uncontrollable, dripping onto the floor one by one. 

It wasn’t _just_ the team’s splitting that hurt. Asahi had been here since day one, always the ace that drove the team to work harder with every hit, the person he would set for. The three of them formed a trio, and one leaving meant that their team dynamic would only fall further. Nishinoya was the energy in the group, the person who got everyone on their feet, the one that scared the other team, and the person he relied on to keep the morale up.

_Where was this team gonna go if they lose two important people?_

_Would he ever be able to reconcile his friendships with the two of them?_

_Can he ever forgive himself for not doing enough to stop the fight? Did he do enough?_

_Was he a good friend to them both? Could he have prevented this?_

_It’s too late now._

He can hear footsteps returning to the gym, so he hastily wipes his tears from his cheeks and places the broken pieces aside, before making sure his eyes weren’t red and walked out of the storage room, turned out the light, and shut the door. He watched as Daichi locked it and walked out together with him, grabbing his bag from Ennoshita. 

After all his teammates are far behind and dropped off, when he’s finally alone, just about five minutes beyond Daichi’s house, the sob that’s at the back of his throat rips and he cries the remainder of his walk home, unable to control himself as his sobs shakes his figure and he loses his composure. If this was the one time he was going to cry about it, might as well get it all out, then lock it down before anyone caught wind of it. The winter wind was cold on his tear-stained cheeks, and Suga felt like he couldn’t breathe through the sobs. He wanted to go back to the past, stop the fight, stop everything just so he could shake them awake and tell them that it had been neither of their faults because frankly none of them were prepared to take on such a formidable enemy.

The fresh, too cold tears only add to the already warm ones. Yet when he arrived in school the next day, he pretended like everything was fine, a bright grin on his face as he encouraged the rest of the team, except for the lack of sleep. _(“Just exhausted, Daichi. I’ll be fine.”)_ He did everything he could to still be upbeat so the team wouldn’t sense anything. Even if just for the moment, he was okay with hiding his insecurities.

* * *

Why is it that all of the insecurities he has, it’s _this_ one that keeps him up?

Kageyama was an amazing setter, yes - Suga had no trouble in admitting that, he knew it well that he was good at what he did. But every so often as he watched the younger teammate play, he could feel himself doubting if he was worth even being on the team formation, having the number two right beside the captain. Suga looked at himself, then looked at the rest as he wondered if he was doing enough to contribute to the team.

Coach Ukai had every right to want the first year setter to be at the centre of their games, to be the one to control the flow. If anything, Suga was aware of the fact that Kageyama’s raw talent was much stronger than his own. But didn’t the experience count for one? Suga has been on this team for the longest, shouldn’t he be getting the opportunity? 

_No,_ he tries to tell himself, slapping his cheeks to keep the thoughts out one day during practice, there’s a reason why the younger setter had his spot on the team so early on. If they wanted to win, they would have to trust Coach Ukai as best as he could offer.

So he swallowed his pride, and even if he had told Coach Ukai about wanting to make his last year on the team count, as well as the rest of the third years, he didn’t make it about himself. Suga wanted what was _best,_ as long as the team was happy. And it was true, Hinata’s eyes just didn’t light up the way it did when Suga did the sets compared to when Kageyama did it for him.

Suga kept his head high despite the insecurities of feeling like he wasn’t enough as he taught the younger how to do more effective sets and how to use Hinata as their decoy. It wasn’t the younger’s fault that he was better; Suga just had to learn how to push away the feeling of being inferior and be a man about it. _Right, be a man. Grow up a little. This could work out._

Slowly but surely, Kageyama’s sets became more accurate; he could serve higher for those who preferred higher shots, and he could work fast shots if he needed it. Everything was perfect, he could do this. Swallowing his pride for the team’s benefit, even if he felt like he wasn’t doing enough to pull his own weight on the team.

But as he watched the team rise from the bottom and to the top again, he knows it’s all worth it; worth the times he has felt insecure about himself, being inferior, being unable to live up to the expectation. He didn’t mind hiding the feelings as long as they succeeded. Deep down he wished he could stop feeling inferior to his teammates, but right now, maybe he could forget about it just for the few minutes as he enjoys the feeling of being on the big court, even just for a bit; ball at his fingertips, controlling the court, in control of it all. He enjoyed being the unknown factor, even if he still felt unsure about himself, playing to his fullest that he can manage out there. When the ball slams with a satisfying thud, he swallows the insecurities and yells with the rest in celebration of their point.

* * *

He doesn’t really know _when,_ but the insecurities hit him like a full force bullet train in the face one day in third year. His next major insecurity comes in the physique of a five-foot nine-inch tall man, well built, a dark head of hair, and brown eyes that could compare to that of the earth’s richest land.

He was only really snapped out of his trance and daydream when he realized the ball was flying towards him from the other side of the court, too close for comfort, and Suga barely made the connect to receive, but not before he had earned himself floor burns on his thighs and his arms. _Ouch._

“Suga!” Daichi ran to his side after the ball stopped, and looked at his arms, holding his hands gently. “Are you bleeding? Do you need a break?” he asked, concerned as he faintly touched Suga’s arms were the red marks were. Suga wanted to wince at the ache, but seeing Daichi’s concern made him laugh under his breath, his heart thumping faster. It really was a minor one, but Daichi was making it seem like a major injury. Suga's laugh filled the court as Daichi stared at him in confusion.

“I’m fine! A break would be good.” Suga brushes it off, and it feels like the rest of the day's training goes on without him really realizing it. Soon enough they’re locking up and heading home to rest.

He thinks about it as he walks home one night after the first time, half a year after he realized he loved his best friend, the familiar path only illuminated dimly by a few sparsely spaced road lights and the twinkle of the stars above. He fishes his phone out to check what constellations would be out tonight as he continues his walk. When he finally gets home, he keeps his coat on, and goes to lay on the grass of his house’s backyard, hands tucked underneath his head as he watches the stars go by. The stars litter every bit of the sky, like the glimmer in Daichi’s eyes, and he’s mesmerized.

He thinks about the floor burns he’d gotten overtime with every few times that he caught himself slipping during practice, and how he had been distracted by the sudden thoughts about his best friend - it wasn’t a secret between him, Daichi and Asahi that he definitely wasn’t straight, but he never expected to end up being one of those _I fell in love with my best friend but I can't tell them because I'm scared_ kind of protagonists. He never really did like the romance movies, even if Asahi sometimes made them watch it when they slept over, he would always cringe watching them beat around the bush about their crush and when they had their first kiss.

But now as he reaches eighteen and is about to go into adulthood, he realizes that maybe, just maybe, he wants a taste of how it feels like to have a first kiss, cuddles under the stars, a moment of peace with someone he likes and cares about. He wonders how his hands will fit in Daichi’s, how his body will curve around his, how they would hold each other, and what kind of pet names they would come up. Even if the thought is somewhat foreign, he thinks about it as the stars go by. He wants a _taste_ of a high school romance, even if for a bit.

It’s then that more thoughts, _darker_ ones flash in his mind - is he _really_ enough for Daichi? Will he be able to give Daichi what he wants? Theoretically, even if Daichi did like him the way he was beginning to feel, would Daichi even want a future with him? Why would Daichi even like him anyway?

Even if they were best friends, they were still worlds apart in character at times - Daichi was not afraid to express his worries to the team as he led them to the possibility of Tokyo nationals, he was always vocal about how everyone could improve. Why would he want someone who was passive at times, someone with such negative thoughts about themselves? Suga wasn’t sure. But comparing himself to Daichi (he knows he shouldn’t), he feels like he’s _not_ Daichi’s type.

He swallows the thoughts down, gets through dinner just fine. But the insecurities creep back up when he lays awake in his bed, letting the curtains blur out the view of the stars beyond his window. He thinks he can come to terms with liking Daichi - it was bound to happen, he thinks, liking someone who felt this comfortable, felt so familiar, his way of touch like muscle memory. He likes how Daichi uses a different tone to talk to him, likes the way Daichi lets his guard down around Suga more often than not. He felt like _home._

He just wants to find a way to tell Daichi, but it haunts him to think about the consequence. _Why would Daichi like you? Are you sure he wants someone who overthinks everything, too emotional and hides everything? Cries when they can’t handle the stress?_

The angel in his mind fights back as tears form at the corners of his eyes, too agitated to even try and fight back the excessive emotions. _Boys are allowed to cry, too._

The insecurities are at his throat, aching to spill, but he tries to fight back and swallow it all down like water. Still, his insecurities still find a way to get a hold of him, like it always has - one chain for the time they lost their title in first year. Another for the time he lost his friends after losing to Date Tech. A third for the time that he let his insecurities and jealousy towards Kageyama blur the lines too far for his liking. All these emotions, stirring and continuously trying to run him over - it felt like a knife to his heart, aching and threatening. He swallows it all down and tries to continue to think positively so he doesn’t cry even more than he can already feel.

 _Not with that mentality,_ the devil in him laughs, and he turns over, a pillow over his head as he screams, but nothing comes out of his lips, because it’s all choked up with tears as his insecurities bubble over. He tries to sleep, letting the thoughts take over as he lays half awake. Eventually, the tears dry on his cheeks, too cold for comfort, wrapped up in his comfort blanket, and that night, he learns the meaning of letting his insecurities eat him alive.

In a moment of haziness, he grabs his phone and sends the quickest text he thinks he can manage to his best friend, hoping for some comfort as he cries out.

_I’m not okay._

* * *

The cold is there when Suga stands on the balcony of their bedroom. 

The thoughts tonight hadn’t been that kind, once again. He’d spent most of the evening worrying about Daichi since he never got back to him about being late from work, but after the text from him stating that work had held him back for an hour, he was worried about other things.

Even after years of learning to cope and teaching himself that he could talk to someone about how he felt, sometimes the thoughts still plagued him more than he liked. Sometimes they were minor - was he doing enough for his students? Was he a good partner for Daichi? 

Sometimes they were major - was he doing enough to be a partner that Daichi would love? 

Suga thinks back to that night when he had sent that text to Daichi in a moment of desperation - he almost regretted it, sending it at almost midnight, but only after a half an hour wait, Daichi had found his way to his house, and Suga held him so tightly after he let Daichi in from the cold. Hugging each other wasn’t a foreign thing, but what Daichi hadn’t really realized was that in the time that Suga had been nursing his feelings for Daichi; he had grown addicted to his touch, addicted to how comforting it felt.

As he thinks about the way Daichi held him that night, Suga can feel a pair of muscular arms circle his waist, his back pressed to Daichi’s. When Suga turns around to meet his gaze, Daichi’s hand rests on the small of his back, and he grins, because it reminds him so much of that night, except that Daichi's matured more and the years have been kind to him, letting his body bulk up and his features grow more to become even more attractive. Suga falls in love a little more as he gazes at Daichi. His hands find their way into Daichi’s pockets in his pajama pants, keeping it there for warmth, but any form of skinship is _so_ near and dear to him. Physical contact to him is just so valuable, he craves _every_ bit of what he can get. 

They spend the rest of the night together in their backyard on a hammock, letting themselves curl around one another, Suga’s head on Daichi’s chest as they watch the stars go by. Daichi has left his playlist on, playing some soft tune in the background as the night goes back. He’s still thinking of that night when his insecurities almost swallowed him alive - his mind stirs with uneasy feelings, which makes his eyes tear up and his nose scrunches, letting out a tiny sigh that doesn’t go unnoticed.

Daichi adjusts their blanket and brushes at Suga’s hair, slowly at the bit that sticks up like antennae, and gradually lets his hand comb through the rest of his silvery locks. “What’s wrong?” he whispers, making Suga glance up.

“Do you remember that night when I texted you?” 

“Yeah.” 

“What...what part of me do you even like?” Suga asks, voice shaky as he asks. He’s feeling too tense, too shaky, but Daichi’s small smile and chuckle makes his body feel warm, like the first time he realized he’d fallen in love, wanted more of the warm feeling. Daichi has always helped him out of his worst moments, always working with him to rebuild the foundations, come back stronger from the doubts.

_**Let's fall in love for the night, and forget in the mornin',** _  
_**play me a song that you like, you can bet I'll know every line…** _

Daichi’s hands still linger in his hair. “There’s a reason why you’ve always been my right-hand man.” he starts, “Where do I begin with you? I think I knew I loved you in after Asahi and Nishinoya left. That day, when you told me to go to the club room first, I heard you sniffling in the room over the broken mop. I realized part of me wanted to just hug you, hold you and make the tears go away. Innocent thoughts, but I knew then that you meant more to me, more than just a best friend.” 

Suga furiously blushes, hiding his exposed cheek with his one hand. _Did he really think his best friend wouldn’t have noticed then that Suga had been crying over the falling out?_ He swats at Daichi’s face, getting him to continue out of embarrassment.

“You’ve always cared about me, walked me home, let me have some of your bento because you know I’m a big eater, and your cooking is amazing,” he rattles off about the more general things, then quietens. “But most of all...I think I like that you are aware of your insecurities, and actively work on being better.” 

Suga is stunned, wide-eyed as he thinks about what to say. “You remember _all_ of them?”

Daichi nods. “Some started small, but some of them grew bigger until it led to that night. You cried in my arms, and I wasn’t sure why, but I felt so connected to you, wishing I could find a way to help you feel better. I felt like in that moment, it was just the two of us against the world, learning how to fight every single bad thought. You said you liked the way I was always vocal about my worries, but I was secretly in awe about how you allowed yourself to cry to me, because until then, I had thought crying was weak, too, and hated crying. You showed me it was okay to let go. We've seen each other cry when we lost to Seijoh, but...in private, I just felt like that trust was even stronger.”

Suga sits up in their hammock, hand on Daichi’s chest as they gaze at each other. Instead of focusing on the stars, he prefers the ones in Daichi’s eyes, twinkling so softly in the brown, holding the foundations of the earth. He feels how Daichi’s fingers curl around his, comforted by the warm feeling once more. Daichi's words are comforting to his heart.

_**I know better than to ever call you mine…** _

“You always choose the sappiest songs, you know that?” Suga teases as he wipes the tears he wasn’t sure he had, shoving Daichi’s chest, but he doesn’t complain. Sometimes Daichi’s taste lies in old classics like Elvin Bishop, and sometimes it was songs like this, metaphors and fluttery language like a poem.

“Nothing makes me sappier than you.” Daichi winks back and laughs wildly when Suga hides his face with the blanket, furiously blushing and almost steaming up. Suga always hated it when Daichi’s retorts were clever, because then he couldn’t win and he would just have to keep quite so he didn’t have to bite his words again.

When things quieten, he lays back in his arms and closes his eyes, tracing shapes into Daichi’s muscles. His hand is back in Suga’s hair, and he relaxes, enjoying the close proximity. Both of them lay there, letting the stars pass as the night stretches on in the early winter night, and Suga glances up to look at the person he dearly loves.

“Thank you,” he leans up, meeting Daichi halfway in a gentle kiss, “for loving _all_ of my flaws and insecurities even if they’re stupid.” 

Daichi smiles into their kiss, pecking again before pulling back and laying back down so they can continue star-gazing. “I would do everything to keep that smile on your face, even if it means late nights and being under the stars.”

For once, Suga learns to accept his flaws. _At least he doesn’t have to hide them anymore._

fin.

**Author's Note:**

> hihi! wow we're already on day two.
> 
> thank you for reading this one - it was short as well, but i liked writing this as a character study because we don't really know much about his background and i wanted to explore suga as a character. 
> 
> song used is _Let's Fall in Love for the Night_ by FINNEAS.
> 
> follow me on twitter! @/SUGAWARAVITY
> 
> xx char


End file.
